NEW DISEASES

As if we didn't have enough to worry about with the outbreaks of the Birdflu, the Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases.

ASSMA

Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much Ass. The No. 1 disease in Malaysia. Civil servants are unusually at risk.

DIALARRHOEA

Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as "I'm now on the LRT"Or "I'm walking towards the car." Victims can be recognized by large,Twitching thumb.

MEESLES

Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets ofInstant noodles.

MULTIPLE SPOUSOSIS

Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips Thailand, Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk.

YELLOW FEVER

Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Malaysia. Also known asPinkerton's Disease.

TOTONUS

Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimesDepression at finding out one has not touched lottery.

HEAVYTITIS

Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes Heavytitis DD.

CYBERTENSION

Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of Internet access.

DYEBETES

A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tintsAre the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.

CHICKEN TOX

Victims exhibit a great need to talk cock. Incurable andHighly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may beExacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable.

MEN, when rich become naughty
WOMEN, when naughty become rich